~If you were not afraid~

Earlier this week on Instagram I saw a post from @jessanders_breakthroughcoach, she was in a bikini and the beginning of the post said: "What would you do if you were not afraid!" I have been thinking about that post since and thinking to myself what would I do if I were not afraid because, in all honesty, I live every day afraid. I am afraid of not fitting in, afraid of what people would think, afraid of not making everyone happy, afraid to really be me. It's not something that is new, I wouldn't say that. I think it comes from growing up in a small town where everyone is watching you. Before I moved to Nebraska I had, for the most part, figured out who I was and my place in the world. Was I still struggling with finding the right career? YES! Even with the struggles in finding a career I really liked the Jenessa I had become in between graduating college and finding love. I MISS her and I think for the most part that Jenessa wasn't as afraid, she had her friends, her family and she was confident in who she was.

Insert failed job, a move 550 miles away from everything I knew, a horrible first boss in Nebraska, gaining weight, bouts of depression and the feeling of longing to fit in, the confident, unafraid Jenessa has disappeared into the sunset. Like I said earlier, I miss her she was so cool! So if I could be her again what would I do if I were not afraid?

I'd start by re-piercing my nose and getting a new tattoo something that reminds me of Montana every day (not that I forget about it). Maybe some mountains on my wrist or just Montana in a script font.

I would cut my hair short and not worry that my face looks fatter. I would put purple highlights in it again just to feel different and to remind myself of that girl I used to be, full of life, energy, and laughter.

I'd tell you about the fact that I became Catholic just so I can have communion with my family every week and not feel so alone. It was something I could do to not feel as alone in a world where I am so very lonely. I don't believe everything the Catholic religion believes. And if I wasn't afraid I would tell you that love is love no matter what it looks like.

Going back to that feeling alone thing, working from home in a new community is lonely. I CRAVE community. They say you are the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with, so I guess you could say I am the sum of a 2.5-month-old, my husband, my MIL and then I guess do podcasters count? With craving community, if I wasn't afraid I would tell you I would love to start a personal development book club. When you are in an MLM business you are always getting poured in to by your leaders. Can't we have that WITHOUT having to sell something to our friends? I want to start a book club but feel completely unqualified!

If I wasn't afraid I would tell you all about my struggles with depression and how it finally came to a point I could no longer manage on my own after having Augustus. I would tell you that making the decision to go on antidepressants have been life-changing in a short amount of time. I hate that there is such a stigma with depression and I wish people would talk about it more on a local level. Since I took the plunge and shared a little here, it has been on my heart to write a full blog post about it and I am hoping I will be brave enough to share it with you all.

If I wasn't afraid I would blog more about the real and raw of life. Because guess what life is hard, really really hard. Sometimes I feel bad for thinking life is hard because I have a wonderful family, a hard-working husband, a job I enjoy, a beautiful healthy baby boy, a wonderful home, health, and food on the table every night. I also would blog about the mundane things that I love...podcasts, books, quotes, scrapbooking and recipes with shitty pictures (cause darn I can't get a handle on the food photography thing). I wouldn't be afraid of what people might think if my punctuation or grammar is not quite right. I would just write because writing is therapeutic when you get down to it.

If I were not afraid I would DANCE. In the kitchen, in the living room on the dance floor, in the rain you name I would dance and not care who was watching. I'd do more Instagram stories and share more of my life on social media because I enjoy sharing but feel like so many people look down on you when you do.

I'd go on vacation alone if I weren't afraid, Maine, Seattle, the Rocky Mountains in Canada somewhere I could sit and drink coffee and take in the beauty of the world and just breath. No hustle, no bustle just living in the moment, maybe taking a picture or two or three or heck maybe hundreds.

If I were not afraid I would quite striving for perfectionism because let's face it I fail on the daily so I am not sure who I am trying to kid except for myself. I'd tell you about what a badass Jesus is for dying on the cross to save me,  I'd tell you that I think I am a dang good momma, I mean I have only been at it a month and a half but its definitely my calling and has completed me in ways I never thought possible. You see there is a lot I would do if I were not afraid, it would mainly be telling the truths of life and forgetting about what others think. So maybe its time for me to be a little less afraid, to get back to being the Jenessa I love, the Jenessa before the changes, the Jenessa before I let what society says is right to get in the way. I guess you could say I have taken the first step with this blog post. I challenge you to take some time this week and think about what would happen if you were not afraid.

Village Required

In the last few weeks, I have learned that it really does take a village to raise a child.

While Baby Sawyer is not safe and sound on the ground yet (my husband's words, not mine, the joys of having a ranching husband) I have learned my first parenting lesson. You really can't do it on your own. 

A few weeks back my sweet friend Andy offered her handy husband to put together Baby Sawyers crib, rocker and get his dresser moved from upstairs down to the nursery. I mean it really is going above and beyond to drive an hour to help a friend set up her nursery, but man will I forever be thankful. I don't know whose idea it was to be super pregnant during our busiest time of year, but a little bit better planning might have been helpful. 

Then Andy and my other dear Nebraska friend Becky offered to throw a baby shower to spoil our little cowboy. This weekend that is exactly what happened, he was so very spoiled. Books, cowboy boots wranglers and so much more. 

To top off a weekend that was already set to be wonderful my momma, sister and niece showed up as a surprise Thursday at 3:00 pm. They showered not only Baby Sawyer with gifts, but spoiled me as well. They sorted, washed and put away baby essentials for 2 days, my mom cleaned my bathrooms, vacuumed my floors, and did dishes. We organized, watched movies and spent some much needed time together. I can't lie I have never been so relieved to see them! Growing a baby is so very exhausting, add a crazy busy job and a crazy busy husband for the matter and you hit do what you gotta do to survive but take a few naps in between. 

Ya'll because of our village I feel like we can now bring this sweet baby home! 42 days to go! Adam and I couldn't have gotten it all done on our own and you know what that is okay because nobody really gets its done on their own! Parenting lesson one ✔!

~Boots, Chaps & Cowboy Hats~

Some people just couldn't understand why we would want to find out...um have you met me? I plan everything duh! Not knowing what we were having until the day Baby Sawyer would be born was just not an option for me or the baby daddy (AKA my husband) for the that matter. So on December 13, 2017 we found out that Baby Sawyer is a little COWBOY!! We are so excited. I had big plans of sending out New Years cards with our big news but as always this time of year time has slipped away. So I blog post will have to do. Baby Sawyer you are already so loved and the count down is on with only 111 days left until we get to hold you tight. Now to get through 16 days of work travel, catechism classes, birth classes, busy season at ORIgen, calving season, bull sale prep and a bulls sale. I mean the time won't fly by or anything!!

Cheers to being parents soon!

And then there was THREE

The Little Blue House on State Street

I didn't know if I was ever going to get to write a post like this. For 3.45 years I have prayed, cried, planned, prayed, cried and planned some more. When I moved to the Sandhills I was moving to what I thought would be the bridge house, you know the house that we lived in while we made sure we could A of all handle each other and B of all I could handle the Sandhills. This house has been a challenge to get organized in and has pink and purple sponged walls, yes every morning I wake up and can't remember if I am in the 80s or 2017. By the time my year here had rolled around and I knew I wasn't going anywhere because I was marrying this guy I moved to the Sandhills for,
I was getting ANTSY to find a house one that I could put all my special touches on to make it a home. So we began the search and the praying. Around year 2 is when I would occasionally get upset, at 2.5 years I was just MAD. I didn't understand why everything was either way out of our price range or why everything was from the 1970 and needed $100,000 worth of work. It was also around the 2.5 year mark when I started to question how Adam and I as a couple were going to continue to pack up practically every weekend and head to the ranch. While we loved our time at the ranch, it was so very hard to not have our own space on the weekends, to not have a kitchen to cook what and when we want,  and to not get anytime at home to get things done on the weekends that you can't get done during the week.

It was about October that we decided we needed to shift from looking for places in Valentine to looking for places in Bassett. Not only for our sanity but also because Adam needed to be closer to the ranch to help out on a more regular bases and not just on weekends. The thing about rural Nebraska is that its not exactly a booming housing market. Which really adds to the frustration not only for us but for any young people that might be looking to go back to those smaller communities. As spring approached and nothing was coming our way I really began to resent God, this place and in all honesty my husband for bring me here. It was one of the hardest times I have experienced in my life, I prayed and shook my fist and cried so many tears. Thank goodness for the GRACE given by the good lord above and my loving husband. Some may say happiness doesn't come from a house it is what you make of it. For myself I do not agree and it is not about having the nicest, biggest home in town. For me it was simply being able to call some place home, some place to settle in and to feel grounded. I feel like my feet haven't hit the ground since moving to Nebraska.

It was the Monday after Easter, I will remember it forever because Easter Sunday was particularly rough. Adam was staying at the ranch to go to a branding that Monday, I was wore out and did not want to have to go home alone. I was beside myself with frustration at our situation that I really didn't think I would ever see an end to. I felt as though I couldn't take anymore, I cried the entire drive back to Valentine and prayed that something would come up soon because I was almost to what I thought would be my breaking point. That next Monday morning Adam and I got a text from his mom that a friend of hers was looking to sell her house. On Tuesday night we were able to get in to take a look, on Thursday we had a contractor look at a couple of things and by the next Saturday we told the seller we would definitely be buying.

So I would like to welcome to the little blue house on State street!

I am in love with this little gem of a house. A perfect starter home that has some great charm and some space to grow. Thoughts truly do become things if you wait long enough, this little house has so many of the things I have dreamed about. I am so excited to have a fire place. A beautiful dining room that will have a shiplap wall of coarse. A living room big enough to build community. Heck maybe I will even have to have a few Husker parties for the sack of being a Nebraskan. A utility room my husband can take his dirty clothes off in and not track sand and all the other things ranchers pick up in everyday life.  An office yes an actually office no more kitchen dwelling for 8-10 hours a day, I can shut the door at the end of the day and go back in the morning, like a real job almost.

Although I am so very excited for the next chapter, I am sad to be leaving Valentine. We have grown in to a husband and wife team here, made amazing friend, and have created memories that will last a lifetime. But I am looking forward to the sweet sweet memories that are to be made living in our first official home. Each and everyone of those memories will be savored for the years to come.

P.S. CHEERS to crossing off another 30 before 30. Number 23, buy a home!!

30 BEFORE THE BIG 3-0

April 2, 2017 I turned 29, you guys I only have 11 months, 7 days to the big 3-0. In all honesty I can not wait to say goodbye  to my 20 and helllooo to my 30. I think my 30s will be my decade, but there are a few things I want to get done before I leave my 20s. So before my birthday in April I set up a 30 before 30 list to keep in My Happy Planner.

1. Bake and perfect a gluten free bread
2. Find a workout I enjoy
3. Rebrand my blog and social media platforms
4. Build a kitchen table
5. Develop and be consistant with a daily routine
6. Start a new tradition
7. Go to the zoo in Omaha
8. Put $29 a month in to savings
9. Complete a 1000 gifts journal and read the book 
10. Learn to make cheese cake
11. Throw a dinner party
12. Learn floral design  4/19/2017
13. Get my home organized
14. Run a 10K
15. Create a weekly 365 photo album
16. Scrapbook our wedding
17. Listen to 12 audio books
18. Volunteer for something new
19. Start a collection
20. Decorate a Birthday cake
21. Start a design business
22. Design a recipe book for my family
23. Buy a house 6/1/2017
24. Quit biting my nails
25. Blog at least 4 times a month
26. Worry less about what others think
27. Make a new Christmas tradition
28. Develop a healthier relationship with social media
29. Start a family
30. Be happy and content with myself and life

~OH Heyyyy Friday! Welcome Back ~

I have always loved the Oh Hey Friday link up from September Farm & The Farmer's Wife. Now that I am attempting a blogging come back I know it is something that I want in the mix because it is a great way to reflect on all the good of the week.

1 IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS

Not only is it snowing this morning, I have the majority of my gifts bought and wrapped. I would say that is a new record.  I am really adulating this Christmas and you know what it is far less stressful. I love it. Now praying for good weather so AJS and I can spend Christmas in Montana with my family.

2 BREAKFAST TACOS

...enough said.

3 2017 POWERSHEETS

Prep started this week. I am really focused on cultivating little by little what matters most and I am so thankful that the PowerSheets provide so much focus. I have some really big personal growth goals for 2017. I will be sharing so much more on this and my process in the up coming weeks. Until I can share more go check out www.cultiavatewhatmatters.com to see what PowerSheets are all about.

4 ALL THINGS TRAIN
This play list is a great break from Christmas tunes. Train has a new song called Working Girl, loving it. Take a listen for yourself. Also if you are on Spotify you can find me at Jenessa Sawyer.

5 ADVENT DEVOTIONAL
I just completed day 11 of my Advent Devotional from the Bible App. The King is Coming. There is a lot of great words on waiting. Which is perfect for this time of year as we await Jesus Birthday but it is also really great for AJS and I's personal life as we wait for a home of our own. There has been a lot of wisdom that I have soaked up every morning. If you have never used the Bible App for a morning devotional I highly recommend it. There is really something for everyone to dive deeper into their spiritual journey.