Sunday, July 8, 2018

~If you were not afraid~

Earlier this week on Instagram I saw a post from @jessanders_breakthroughcoach, she was in a bikini and the beginning of the post said: "What would you do if you were not afraid!" I have been thinking about that post since and thinking to myself what would I do if I were not afraid because, in all honesty, I live every day afraid. I am afraid of not fitting in, afraid of what people would think, afraid of not making everyone happy, afraid to really be me. It's not something that is new, I wouldn't say that. I think it comes from growing up in a small town where everyone is watching you. Before I moved to Nebraska I had, for the most part, figured out who I was and my place in the world. Was I still struggling with finding the right career? YES! Even with the struggles in finding a career I really liked the Jenessa I had become in between graduating college and finding love. I MISS her and I think for the most part that Jenessa wasn't as afraid, she had her friends, her family and she was confident in who she was.

Insert failed job, a move 550 miles away from everything I knew, a horrible first boss in Nebraska, gaining weight, bouts of depression and the feeling of longing to fit in, the confident, unafraid Jenessa has disappeared into the sunset. Like I said earlier, I miss her she was so cool! So if I could be her again what would I do if I were not afraid?

I'd start by re-piercing my nose and getting a new tattoo something that reminds me of Montana every day (not that I forget about it). Maybe some mountains on my wrist or just Montana in a script font.

I would cut my hair short and not worry that my face looks fatter. I would put purple highlights in it again just to feel different and to remind myself of that girl I used to be, full of life, energy, and laughter.

I'd tell you about the fact that I became Catholic just so I can have communion with my family every week and not feel so alone. It was something I could do to not feel as alone in a world where I am so very lonely. I don't believe everything the Catholic religion believes. And if I wasn't afraid I would tell you that love is love no matter what it looks like.

Going back to that feeling alone thing, working from home in a new community is lonely. I CRAVE community. They say you are the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with, so I guess you could say I am the sum of a 2.5-month-old, my husband, my MIL and then I guess do podcasters count? With craving community, if I wasn't afraid I would tell you I would love to start a personal development book club. When you are in an MLM business you are always getting poured in to by your leaders. Can't we have that WITHOUT having to sell something to our friends? I want to start a book club but feel completely unqualified!

If I wasn't afraid I would tell you all about my struggles with depression and how it finally came to a point I could no longer manage on my own after having Augustus. I would tell you that making the decision to go on antidepressants have been life-changing in a short amount of time. I hate that there is such a stigma with depression and I wish people would talk about it more on a local level. Since I took the plunge and shared a little here, it has been on my heart to write a full blog post about it and I am hoping I will be brave enough to share it with you all.

If I wasn't afraid I would blog more about the real and raw of life. Because guess what life is hard, really really hard. Sometimes I feel bad for thinking life is hard because I have a wonderful family, a hard-working husband, a job I enjoy, a beautiful healthy baby boy, a wonderful home, health, and food on the table every night. I also would blog about the mundane things that I love...podcasts, books, quotes, scrapbooking and recipes with shitty pictures (cause darn I can't get a handle on the food photography thing). I wouldn't be afraid of what people might think if my punctuation or grammar is not quite right. I would just write because writing is therapeutic when you get down to it.

If I were not afraid I would DANCE. In the kitchen, in the living room on the dance floor, in the rain you name I would dance and not care who was watching. I'd do more Instagram stories and share more of my life on social media because I enjoy sharing but feel like so many people look down on you when you do.

I'd go on vacation alone if I weren't afraid, Maine, Seattle, the Rocky Mountains in Canada somewhere I could sit and drink coffee and take in the beauty of the world and just breath. No hustle, no bustle just living in the moment, maybe taking a picture or two or three or heck maybe hundreds.

If I were not afraid I would quite striving for perfectionism because let's face it I fail on the daily so I am not sure who I am trying to kid except for myself. I'd tell you about what a badass Jesus is for dying on the cross to save me,  I'd tell you that I think I am a dang good momma, I mean I have only been at it a month and a half but its definitely my calling and has completed me in ways I never thought possible. You see there is a lot I would do if I were not afraid, it would mainly be telling the truths of life and forgetting about what others think. So maybe its time for me to be a little less afraid, to get back to being the Jenessa I love, the Jenessa before the changes, the Jenessa before I let what society says is right to get in the way. I guess you could say I have taken the first step with this blog post. I challenge you to take some time this week and think about what would happen if you were not afraid.

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